The Bachelorette In 60 Secs: Would The Real Blake Stand Up?
Is it just me, or did Uncle Sam’s unceremonious turfing from Sophie’s heart feel like weeks ago?
We open with Blake admitting he’s still in shock. Australia is still in shock. I’m still in shock his sudden ‘nice guy’ act hasn’t caused him to turn completely to stone.
“I would hate for any of you boys
Hang on, let’s fix this sentence: “I would hate for any of you boys, except probs Jarrod,
Sophie reminds us she’s here for love.
She also mentions the H-bomb: Hometowns.
Wait, we’re up to effin’ hometowns… already?
Then Blake says something I can totally agree with, “Epic outfit”.
The dudes head out to where Osher is standing, with some other guy who’s a 'compatibility expert', but jokes on them, we’re all just thinking ‘oh, he’s just another one of Sophie’s family members pretending to be an expert’.
Oh, turns out he’s Johnny Morra, the Chief Matching Scientist from eHarmony. Like that’s an actual job. You just wait, in 10 minutes, Osher will rip Johnny’s mask off, Scooby Doo-style, and it’ll be her dad.
Immediately, Blake and Jarrod treat the game of 'what personality traits best represent you' as 'what personality traits best represent you to complement Sophie's traits specifically'.
Everyone gets to work putting together their pie chart of feelings.
Johnny then compared each guy's pie charts with Sophie’s to determine compatibility.
The best interpretation was Jarrod's: “This guy wants to share every single feeling he has with Sophie”. True dat.
One surprise was James. His pie chart indicated he was perhaps too structured and serious for Sophie.
When she said “sorry James” I just about spat out my tea, for
After the commercial, we’re faced with this…
Osher informs the guys the object here is to “dress these mannequins up as you would like Sophie to appear on your perfect date."
Blake tells us he has no problem around the female body and that his strength is taking clothes off.
Using some gear hanging up behind them, they learn they won’t be judged on ‘fashion style’ but rather what they’d be doing on the date.
I immediately think of an outfit I would wear to go get a Bunnings sausage.
So, OK, all the date outfits are pretty straightforward… candlelit dinner, ciders on the beach at Byron, you get the idea.
Then you get to Jarrod’s.
It was an outfit to “hike through the woods to a cabin with a roaring fire and a bikini for the hot tub”. I mean, all I heard was "hike through the woods to a cabin... like in Stephen King's Misery."
But Soph approved,
The final game to determine compatibility (and extra time with Soph) was a version of Perfect Match.
Question one, Sophie asks, “If you had to choose one place in the world to holiday for the rest of your life, where would it be?”
(TBH, any answer which wasn't 'Bali' was, frankly, un-Australian.)
Jarrod writes “
"If you could have any animal shrunk to the size of a cat and keep it as a pet, what would it be and why?" OK
Jarrod wants a giraffe. At first, I thought this was a strategy to giving her a clue it was him from the onesie he wore the other night, but I quickly changed my mind after his reason was read out: “so I could have a useless pet to take to my favourite café”
Seriously, I’m about to set my TV on fire.
It was Stu who eventually won the extra time with Sophie.
The main takeaway from their time together is that he said he loves children and would have another “in a heartbeat”.
Then Stu pulls his signature move… he whispers to her during the kiss.
“I came here for Soph, and I don’t want to leave without her”... and, in the distance, you can hear the rustling of bookies everywhere firming Stu up as the front-runner.
After the commercial, it’s all about the single date, which the clue contains the word “kid”.
James immediately says goat, “a goat has kids, so do humans”.
“So, do giraffes” Jarrod interjects. What the hell. He’s trolling us, yeah?
Blake gets the date and, seriously, I get up to make another cup of tea.
Sophie reminds us she’s here to find love.
Blake arrives to hang with goats, which includes milking one.
‘Aaaagh, it’s like a massive nipple!” Blake LOLs.
“That’s because it is,” Sophie deadpans.
They then use the goat’s milk to make cheese, and, like, made it in the same amount of time it would
Later on, Sophie asks the most Cosmo question on the planet: “what is it with us women, why are we so attracted to bad boys?”, only to question if he’s a bad boy at all.
Blake reckons, in a relationship, he gets super cute and cuddly and says that communication is “really important”.
But is this just part of his shift in tactic?
Sophie says she’s been out with guys before which “come off tough” before putting her down.
She then admits she’s really bad at taking compliments before Blake says they should just “stop giving compliments” as he kisses her. WTF.
This jumping from good guy to bad boy seems, well, I can't work out whether he's genuinely trying hard and just a special kind of awkward, or he's, I dunno, borderline sociopathic...?
Whatever it is, Sophie seems to have fallen for it.
Meanwhile, cocktail party.
Blake rocks up looking like the cat that got the cream and Jarrod wastes no time in saying “thought [you were] a waiter”
He also immediately notices Blake’s lack of a certain flower on his lapel, describing it as “exciting”.
James gets Blake up-to-speed on their conversation, which was Blake’s good cop bad cop routine evolution.
Blake says something about shells and coming out of them, but Jarrod was having none of it, expressing actual concern that she could end up with “the wrong sort of guy” and that, at the end, “end up with a dud”.
“You calling me a dud?” Blake laughs.
Well, yeah. He was.
Rose ceremony… otherwise known as ‘the blokes who are getting hometowns’.
And those guys are...
Oh noes, James is going home.
Seriously, I blame that pie chart of feelings.
Speaking of which, I could totally go a pie of feelings right now.