Nige’s car is in the shop and could be for some time, what with all the hail damage we’ve had lately. Thankfully, the good folk at Audi Centre Canberra have agreed to chuck him in a few of their finest vehicles as an interim measure. These are his stories…

 

Week One: The S bends space and time, my friends.

So you’ve made some choices in life, huh? You settled down, you got married, you had kids. You knew the score, too. It’s just like the sign in Dante’s Inferno says… “Abondon hope, all ye motoring enthusiasts who enter here into the bonds of parenthood, for there can be found no joy at the helm of an SUV“. Or words to that effect.

Sure, that used to be true. Hell, I even subscribed to that theory myself until very recently. That was until they handed me the keys to an Audi SQ5. A vehicle that, essentially, thumbs its nose at your SUV theory, then sods-off down the road so quickly you won’t have time to be offended by the thumb thing.

Before we go any further, let me make one thing clear. I am no motoring expert and I sure as hell ain’t no advanced driver. Sure, I’ve had some lessons on the skid pan, but I’m not going to sit here and discuss the finer points of lift-off oversteer and cornering geometry. What I can tell you is that the SQ5 will get you and the kids to soccer practice safely and comfortably, then it’ll spank you silly all the way home. And it’s truly excellent.

You see, the SQ5 (like all the Audis with the S in their titles) isn’t like other cars. It’s better. This is because the Germans have employed some manner of witchcraft under the hood and made several dozen more horsepowers and torques appear out of thin air and/or turbos. I don’t know how it works, nor do I much care. All I know is that when you stick your right foot down, many things happen.

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Firstly, the gentle and loving (but firm) hand of the creator pushes you back in your seat… By your face. Secondly, the view out of the windshield bends and warps a little, probably as a result of gravitational issues caused by the S badge. It’s complicated. Thirdly, and most importantly, you smile. It’s not voluntary, it’s inevitable. It’s exactly the same smile you used to get as a kid, when your bike was free-wheeling super-fast down a hill and you felt like you could outrun a car. Only this time, you actually will outrun just about anything.

I think what I liked most about the SQ5 was that feeling that I would never run out of power. It felt like I could just keep putting my foot down further and the thing would just keep accelerating until we either ran out of fuel, or straight crashed into the sun. It looks fantastic, it sounds like an already cranky demon who then stepped on a lego piece, and it’s built by the Germans, so it’ll still be yelling in demon tongues and chewing-up bitumen when we run out of fossil fuels.

In a nutshell… The Audi SQ5 is an assassin disguised as an SUV. It’ll rip your face off and you’ll love every second. There is hope, families!