Time for a gob-full of abuse aimed squarely at someone or something that probably doesn’t deserve it, friends! That’s exactly what this segment is all about and today, we’re getting stuck into beer bottle tops… specifically the ones that still, in 2021, are non-twist-tops.

Yep, I’m looking at you, Peroni… and Dos Eqius. What’s that? Twist-top beer bottles were introduced by the Europeans back in the early 1960s and 50 years later you’re still selling us drinks that need a tool to be opened? That don’t impress me much!

There’s nothing more heart breaking/irritating than when you’re at someone’s BBQ and you grab a frosty one from the esky, wrap your thumb and forefinger around it the top and give it a twist only to suddenly find that you’re bleeding from the hand… and still thirsty!

“Oh, you’ll need a bottle-opener for that one”, the BBQ’s host will bleat “it’s a fancy imported beer”. Scant comfort, I say, as you slowly bleed to death and die from dehydration. Am I supposed to be impressed? Am I supposed to enjoy wandering around some stranger’s kitchen, looking for a bottle opener, smug in the knowledge that I might be thirsty and bleeding, but dammit this is a flash beer, it must be, ‘cause it’s really freakin’ hard to open!

Now, it’s also very important to point out at this stage, that I don’t want any alpha-male tools writing in to say “Oh, but Nige, it’s really easy to open a non-twist-top beer, you just need to destroy the corner of someone’s coffee table and/or bruise the snot out of the heel of your hand in return for a 50/50 shot at shattering the neck of the bottle and ending up with a fistful of broken glass.” I’m already completely aware of that, and guess what!

It don’t impress me much!!!

Nige

Advertisement
Advertisement